Every few years (seven according to my most recent therapist) I go through a self assessment and make major changes. This year marks seven years since I met the hubster. Huh, pretty smart therapist after all.
In seven years, between the two of us we’ve been hit with some crazy life, bad luck, bad decisions and an all around generally shitty time. When do you pull the plug when it seems clear that neither one is happy? I look at people who have been married 30 years, they talk about “the rough years”. Is this what they are talking about? Do they go through years of feeling like there is nothing between them at all? Like every step they make is a step further apart? No physical affection, no conversation, no emotional exchange at all (arguing is the only exception here). Sometimes I look at my husband and I have no idea who he even is.
We argue about money, because there is none. There doesn’t seem to be a resolution to it, just a quieting of biting each other’s heads off for a bit then an eruption of anger and blame then it quiets down again. During the quiet times it’s just the elephant in the room neither of us are looking at, it’s still it’s sucking all the air out of the room. I have to wonder if there was money and that stress was completely gone, would we just fight about something else?
Everything about us feels broken, and then we have those moments where he’ll roll over 3/4 asleep in the middle of the night, pull me close and tell me he loves me. *fuck*