Watching someone hit rock bottom, how do you know if it’s their lowest? At what stage does it no longer matter?
I had dinner with his son tonight, just back from summer holidays with the grandparents. He’s decided to live full time with his mom so he can go to regular school. He told me he can’t do home school without me there and he desperately misses his friends, girls and a normal junior high experience. He turns 13 this year, as far as Canada is concerned he’s old enough to decide where he lives. J dropped that bomb on R last week, before flying home. So not only has R lost his wife, his business is seriously struggling and his son has now stepped back. I know J will visit him but will all this happening to him at once send him over the edge into full blown crazy or will it shake him out of the trance he’s in? Will any of this make him stand up and take responsibility for anything in his life or will everything always be someone else’s fault?
I realize ALL of these things will be laid at my feet by R’s mother. Pshhhh! Obviously, everything is my fault. I wonder what R thinks, deep in his heart, what he truly believes is happening to him. I didn’t move out as a threat or to punish him. In fact, I took a lot of steps to make it as painless for him as possible. No fighting, no emotional outbursts, I left him with a ton of my furniture, dishes and linens, I even paid the rent for the month I left. I know, honestly, that no matter what I did for my own piece of mind, awful things will be said about me and most of R’s difficulties over the past 6 years will be unquestionably my doing. Should it even matter to me what he thinks? I wanted things to work out so badly. I fell so hard for him, completely out of control, off my rocker, F.E.L.L. for him! It’s heart wrenching, all of it.
Frankly, I couldn’t care less what his mother thinks, but if he actually believes that, it really bothers me. His sis-in-law reached out to me this past week to say she’s sorry for what’s happening. She said she knows I did a lot for him and his kids and she knows I was good for him and to him. Coming from who it did, I know those things never would have been said unless she meant it. That reassures me I haven’t made all this up in my head.
I know beyond all doubt that what ever it is we had is gone. I know he lost whatever feelings he had for me, although I’m not entirely sure when it happened. I do know, every moment we spent together beyond that loss just increased his resentment toward me for all the things going wrong in his life. I know that I won’t spend my life begging to be loved, touched or talked to. I deserve better, hell anyone deserves better than that. I didn’t want this. I didn’t sign up for any of this shit. I didn’t leave my country, lose my daughter and distance myself from everyone and everything I know – including my career – to come up here for him to just give up six years later. This is not what I wanted.
I feel the “Jagged Little Pill” stage of this breakup coming on for me. The “Fuck You, you were supposed to love me!” stage.