In the last 2-3 years I’ve been feeling changes in my body, I went to the doctor 2 years ago because I thought for sure I was pregnant (Please God no! Not that!!!) and with no testing they told me I’m pre-menopausal and need to go on synthetic hormones. In all fairness, they did say I needed to come back for blood work. They didn’t ask any questions about me, just assumed because of my age and the 2 or 3 symptoms I was having, they could pharmaceutical my 41 year old ass right out of there, no problem. I’m not really up for pharmaceutical answers to what’s happening in my body and I don’t care for masking issues with blockers. After two years I’m finally sick of the hormonal roller coaster and I asked a friend for a referral to a homeopathic doctor that can address what’s actually happening for me. I went to for a consultation last Saturday to a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner/acupuncturist, she spent an hour and a half with me. Granted it wasn’t a cheap visit but it was cheaper than a visit to the walk in clinic in the states. She took one look at me and said, “I’m pretty sure peri-menopause is not what’s actually happening here but lets see what we can find.” Muscle testing, 5000 questions and multiple eye, fingernail and tongue inspections later I’ve got, low thyroid function, a liver/blood issue and I’m not breathing deeply enough. I walked out with the most beautifully named (and heinous tasting) combination of herbal medicines ever.

The most interesting 2 are the Ultimate Fields drops and the Laughing Buddha. The purpose of both is to open up all my energy centers and allow energy flow again.  This Dr was so cool about getting there too, she looked at my tongue and started talking to herself about a blockage between my heart and my solar plexus, then she took a big deep breath in and said, “Breath. Breathing. You’re holding your breath, you’re not breathing at all. Breathe.. Breath. Grief! Breath is grief, you’re not breathing because you are grieving something. What are you grieving? No! What are you not grieving that you should be?!” I’m pretty sure she didn’t take one breath between any of these words, and she was looking me straight in the eye. haha. Ouch, ok that hit home. I looked down, “Well, there have been 2 deaths very close to me in the last few years that I haven’t dealt with.” “Ya, that’ll do it. What else?” “Uhm a failed multimillion dollar business and a failed marriage.” Apparently holding your breath and not grieving really backs everything up and causes some eventually serious health problems.

I’m on orders to grieve. How in hell do I purposefully grieve?! The Ultimate Fields drops are flower homeopathy. Individual flowers are used to work with individual energy centers and open them up, these drops contain all the flowers and are designed to open up all energy centers. Not really clear on what exactly that means or how it works but I’m on board with it if it’s not synthetic. Also no warnings on the label about suicidal thoughts or feelings. WooHoo! In my follow up visit she said the Laughing Buddha creates the same effect with a different herbal process.

On my first visit she told me I should be prepared for some emotions to be stirred around and to start taking the drops over the weekend so I know how they effect me before I go to work. With that warning, I assumed I would be an emotional basket case and weeping at every little thing. It’s actually done quite the opposite for me. I’m suddenly lovey, warm fuzzy and cuddly! I just want to love everyone! There have been a few moments when people around me weren’t feeling good or got angry that I became overwhelmed with emotion (theirs) but for the most part I’m happy and excited again.

Back to grieving. How does one go about grieving on purpose? I’ve been itching to write, journal and doodle but I’m feeling generally fantastic lately. I want to sit on P’s lap and be close and laugh as often as I can. No desire to exhume old stuff and no idea even how to process the loss of my business, the suicide of my older sister and the death of a baby (not mine, story later). I’ve been thinking about my instructions and something the doctor said during my second visit when I told her how great I’m feeling. She told me I look and feel much softer, I don’t have as much of an edge to me and perhaps the hardest edge I hold is toward myself. Then she stuck a bunch of needles all over me and left me to think for about 40 minutes.

I can’t honestly say I ever have grieved in the same way I’ve seen or experienced other people doing it. I never considered what I was doing to be burying the emotion but clearly that’s what was happening. I always thought I was just quick to come to terms with what happened and get up, dust myself off and move on. It was and now it isn’t anymore, now what? Isn’t that healthy? Does grieving mean I have to lock myself in my room and cry myself to sleep for a few months or stare out the window with all emotions turned off for a few weeks. That just doesn’t ring for me. I cried when my grandmother – who I had grown up with as my mother – died. Once. When I saw her casket being removed from the hearse. I cried until my guts hurt when Conner (the baby) died on my shoulder, mind you it was after I had flown home and was in my own space again.  I did not cry when I found out my sister ended her own life but I can honestly say I’m not angry with her anymore. I miss her and I’m sad that she’s gone but mourning someone who chose their end doesn’t make any sense to me. I cried when I shut down my business. I cried when my daughter told me she had been diagnosed with cancer (the same night my husband at the time thought it good timing to tell me I’m selfish and he wants a divorce). I cried over many many nights when I was coming to the decision to end my third marriage.  I didn’t act out against anyone, I didn’t hide in my room or shut down, I didn’t lay awake staring at the ceiling for weeks, I got really clear on the fact that what was, isn’t anymore and I moved on. Isn’t that grieving?