Not even sure what I’m sitting down to write. I couldn’t tell you the last time I posted here. More than a year ago I’m sure, perhaps I should check before I publish this. Ok, so October 2014! Sheesh, so much has changed.

I’ll go into all the specifics later. So much personal growth, awareness and self directed forgiveness has happened, that’s Earth shattering enough to write about isn’t it?

Speaking of Earth shattering we just had a 4.8 magnitude earthquake here about 20 minutes ago. {{SHAKE}} It felt like a giant curvy lady gave the house a big drunken hip bump.

Anyway, meditation, art, grounding, sleeping, reading, biking on the beach, volunteer work, personal development, and just cutting myself some slack really is what it all boils down to. Divorce number three is in the works.. OMG really THREE!? How do I find a space in my heart where that’s ok with me? It’s been a hell of a journey, that’s for sure! Accepting the fact that I made poor choices was a big part of it -not just in repeated husband picking. Accepting that there’s not a damn thing I can do about any of it was another big part. I’ve experienced some seriously crazy shit in this 43 years and there was a great deal of it that was self inflicted. I can own that. I made a series of choices that resulted in where I am right this minute. I chose this…

whammoThat’s it. I chose this. Ok, ya but… No, it really is that simple. Rear view mirror versus windshield. Which one am I going to focus on? Duh, obviously windshield. Then the evil little asshole sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, tells me I’m supposed to wallow in regret and hang my head in shame in public. He tells me that the growth I’ve felt and the gentle forgiveness I’ve allowed myself are just my way of dusting off my hands, ignoring my ‘misdeeds’ and turning my back on life. That I run from everything and I’m just selfish. Is that true? Fuck, seriously I have no idea. I hope not.

I do know that the emotional hurt of the separation, nearly 3 years ago now, is long over with. Right now I’m in the midst of a year of email arguments; “agree to pay or I’m suing you” (read here, he wants money) so the wound has been opened a little. For the record, I don’t legally owe it and I’m not paying it. Period! Ok *breathe* moving on –  I know that
thats it there’s nothing I can do about the decisions I’ve made in the past regarding that relationship or anything else, I know I’m totally responsible for my decisions and steps I’ve taken in my lifetime. There it is again. I created this, I chose this. S.I.M.P.L.E. That’s got to be it!

Is anyone else feeling this? 

I recently finished some personal development work, which I originally booked 9 years ago (LOL, I do things my way and in my own time) and I had a few major take-aways from the work. “Shit happens, so what. Everyone has pain, I don’t get to wear mine like a crown. I don’t get to decide my pain was more or less than someone else’s. I don’t get to be angry forever. What do I really want? What do I stand for? What sets me on fire? Why the fuck aren’t I doing that!?” By the way, I recommend PSI Seminars advanced courses if you really want to get some work done inside your own head.

Bottom line – Life is made up of a series of decisions. If we really want to break this down to complete simplicity, I happen to ‘decide’ more often than most other people I’ve ever met. Mostly while other people are still considering it, or thinking about it. I decide and GO! Quite frankly that freaks out all the thinkers in my life, the people who read the words on a menu and spend 25 minute agonizing over what to order before they just order what they usually get. I order by looking at what is sitting in front of others around me that looks or smells good or I ask the server what’s popular. Go! I also recognize when one, or more, recent decisions was not in my best interest (usually AFTER I’ve jumped in with both feet) and then I “decide” to get out of it. Just so we’re clear, I never move in my life with malice or with intent to harm someone else, ever! Learning to silence that asshat sitting on my shoulder or at least keeping his voice at a dull roar and accepting the “ME” in my life has gotten me to an emotional calm I didn’t know was possible. An awareness that it’s just me. I jump, I make decisions and move, Analysis-paralysis will never be used to describe me, I fall quickly, I trust, I love, I breathe the air that is around me and if something doesn’t sit right, I move on.

Does that make me a risk in a relationship? Perhaps, but really only if you plan on getting away with being a dick. I’m not up for getting treated
poorly, I just don’t always see the fist coming toward me on the first swing. That stands true for all the relationships in my life. The human ones; with bosses, colleagues, women, men, etc. I’ve had so many people in my life say, “You can’t do that!” with this hilariously horrified look on their face. Actually I can!you cant.jpeg

  • I CAN tell that mortgage broker who just grabbed my ass in the copy room that my employer no longer needs his business
  • I CAN ask the accounting manager at the school board what happened to the $30,000 that mysteriously disappeared from our approved construction budget
  • I CAN ask for a raise and leave the company if I don’t get it
  • I CAN put my foot down and refuse to be belittled or shut out in an intimate relationship
  • I CAN fire the owner’s best friend’s wife if she’s poisoning the air in the office
  • I CAN tell a friend that there is no room in my life for someone who stands me up every time we have plans because something better came up
  • I CAN be honest in an exit interview
  • I CAN ask for what I need and move on if I don’t get it

See how this works? Honestly, it feels pretty good just thinking of examples of times I’ve seen this face. Maybe I just enjoy shocking people, haha.

For now I’ve throat punched that devil on my shoulder, he’s still talking away but there’s no sound coming out. devilI CAN take care of myself without feeling selfish, I CAN accept me for who I am, I CAN settle into me and be completely satisfied with my life and all it’s beautiful colors, scars, loves, adventures and diversity.